I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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