Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
