His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
