Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
