I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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