I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
