wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
