zippers are such a cool invention
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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