Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
