Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
