About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
