Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
