life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
