Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
