I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
