the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
as a side note pls kill me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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