wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
