i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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