My first STD was from a foam party
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
