the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
