have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
