my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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