either way he was missing a nipple.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Randomize
