Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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