in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
