You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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