Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
