I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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