Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
