my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
