her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
