Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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