Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just gift wrapped bread.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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