I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i need some magic done to my vagina
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize