In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
