my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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