My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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