A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
