she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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