the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
