I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
