Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
