Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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