the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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