i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How does it feel to date your dad?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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