Betty ford says i'm here all night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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