Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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