I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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