omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize