Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
