she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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