So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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