lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
