We're like a lot better than the average bears
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
