3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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