The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
