I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
