i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
