I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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