You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
