She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
