I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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